I’m a fixer. There. I said it.
I see something not going the way it should (in my humble opinion) and I want to make it better.
A lot of times, though, I can’t.
It’s a hard admission to make. You see, I’m not just your run of the mill optimist. I am an uber optimist. I can find the silver lining in everything. The purpose. The solution to any problem.
The one thing I have trouble doing is letting go and realizing that not everything is mine to fix.
This week has been hard. It’s sort of like the perfect storm of stuff I can’t carry. Things that are affecting people I love and care about. And I can’t do a damn thing about any of it but sit on the sidelines and watch the mayhem.
Honestly, at the beginning of the week, I didn’t even realize what was bugging me. I felt a little grumpy but chalked it up to a bad case of the Mondays.
By Tuesday, I was in full-on “I don’t really feel like adulting” mode. I skipped the gym. Laid down at 7 and fell asleep.
What followed was the worst sleep of my life. I woke up every hour, too hot or too cold with my mind racing. I chalked that up to taking non-drowsy pseudaphed a couple of hours before I went to bed.
And then there was yesterday.
You know how your spouse or someone important to you say something totally innocuous and the next thing you know, you want to punch something? Anything?
I took my frustration out on drawers and doors. I also realized, however, that sitting at home was not going to help. I had signed up for a yoga class and after my husband talked me off the ledge we went.
While we were waiting to go, he asked me a few questions and as I began to talk, I realized what has been bothering me for a couple of weeks now.
There are people suffering in my direct sphere of influence and I can’t do anything to fix it or to help them carry the burden they are under.
In sitting and talking with me, my husband modeled what to do when we can’t fix something. Be present and listen.
One of the things that I’m a firm believer in is self-care. We can’t help others if we are not taking care of ourselves mentally, physically and spiritually. Since school started I haven’t been taking the care that I should of myself.
It’s really easy to fall back into bad habits when you have a lot on your plate but you have to remember that you are no good to anybody if you can’t be good to yourself. In my line of work, it’s crucial.
I’m very blessed to have an incredibly supportive and patient spouse who knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He gently prods and helps me figure things out when I’m not in a good space and ultimately, what I can do to fix it. To fix the space that I’m in.
Yesterday, not through words but through actions, he reminded me of what I can and cannot do. What is possible in taking care of myself and others. Those things that are mine to carry and those that are not.
I’m still a fixer. But this week has taught me that I need to spend more focus on fixing what I can instead of lamenting the things I can’t. That way when I CAN help I’m strong enough to do it.